Elegant Catastrophe

Singing, dancing, twirling my feet
When will this act be complete
Alright, let's begin. Just because this is poetry, it doesn't mean you can just skip out on punctuation. If you look at my stuff, you'll see there are two styles; my stream of conciousness style and my dominant grammar-Nazi style. Depending on what you use can alter the mood of the poem. I found myself struggling to latch onto a tone from this because it was kind of a blend between no punctuation and perfect comma placement. I think you need to find your style and work out whether you are going to stick with it, or have numerous different styles which you can dip into as required.

I know it's soon
But I'm caught in the fume
Of cigarette smoke
And carbon monoxide
When will it subside
The first line really annoys me and I don't know why. I think it's because it makes the character seem really rude and arrogant - not the best way to grab attention in a poem. Honestly, I think I just don't enjoy this stanza. The wording sounds much too forced and technical - it leaves little for the reader to try and imagine when you just smash the image in their face. Again, the punctuation is murdering you, here.

I am here, ready now
Can I finally take a bow
Knock on my door
My mind Is weary,
My body sore
Oh God; why is there a random capital I in the middle of a sentence? Despite the haphazard breaths and pauses, the vagueness of some of the lines here is much better than anything else so far. Also - don't feel like you have to put a capital letter at the start of every line: I know that's the classic poetry way, but honestly here it just makes the girl look way too self-centred and arrogant. At least, that's how I read it.

Your love for me, a present
Your absence I have come to resent
Lives falling apart all around
And I, exhausted
Fall to the ground
You've got a good half-rhyme scheme going on here. You're able to force the reader to make the -ent suffix heavy enough to match up rhythmically; a skill most complete amateurs are scared to attempt. I don't doubt your skill with phrasing and spacing, it just seems your style is really lagging your poetry. A shame - since you really could fine-tune your craft if you tried.

Wondering when this act will be through
And if it might bring me closer to you
I hate these two lines. Wasted words. They don't mean anything; it's just needless exposition. The reader could have gathered this from the rest of the poem. If not, you could have easily integrated it in the other stanzas. Or, Hell, drop the second stanza and and re-write it around this theme. I don't know: It just feels really lazy like this.

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Really? Professional.

Overall... Improvement is needed. Well, for me to respect your stuff at least. If you don't really want me to like your poetry, I guess you can just disregard everything.